God I hate this thing
Now that I'm sure that the reader count of this thing has dropped from presumably 0 to almost definitely 0, I can use this blog for its god-intended purpose, rather than watching my grammar and trying (i.e. failing) to be witty: I will complain to nobody in particular about how much life sucks. Lucky you.
I've lost a major portion of my appetite, I have [more] trouble falling asleep, and I'm smoking a lot more than I'd like to be. The reason? I'll give you a hint: it starts with 'girls', ends with 'girls', and rhymes with 'girls'. I haven't been able to stop thinking about a girl since I met her (a good 6 months ago), and while gradually building up a friendship, I can't help but want more than that. I'll go through cycles lasting only a few days where I think that maybe I have a chance, and then that maybe I've got a better chance of spontaneously combusting, and then that I don't really care -- I'll find somebody else, somebody better, and then I'll see her and she'll ruffle my hair or squeeze my shoulder, or maybe I'll just make [and get to see] her smile, and the cycle begins all fucking over again. My productivity is suffering, as is my health, self-esteem, and my once long-held belief that I'll eventually find and be happy with somebody. I can't see it ending at any point in the near future.
Tonight my status as a friend privileged me to the following information: that she wants some other extremely attractive dude, and that it's "complicated" between them (he has a girlfriend?), and that their relationship is far deeper, more substantial, and more important than ours will ever be. I find myself hoping that he won't let it work (he, because she sure as hell wouldn't allow that to happen given the choice), and that she sees me as a single, trusted, inferior but viable alternative. And then I realize that this would hurt her and I hate myself. But I don't limit hating myself to the tail end of this particular train of thought -- oh no, I make a point of hating myself several times through the day, sometimes even in my dreams. One time I even hated myself 8 times before breakfast! I'm getting pretty good at it, is what I'm trying to say. On that note, bragging about something like that is just one more reason for tonight. God I suck.
I'm hungry but warming up the ramen just doesn't seem worth it. Maybe after trying to eat I'll go try my hand at a night of bad sleep.
I've lost a major portion of my appetite, I have [more] trouble falling asleep, and I'm smoking a lot more than I'd like to be. The reason? I'll give you a hint: it starts with 'girls', ends with 'girls', and rhymes with 'girls'. I haven't been able to stop thinking about a girl since I met her (a good 6 months ago), and while gradually building up a friendship, I can't help but want more than that. I'll go through cycles lasting only a few days where I think that maybe I have a chance, and then that maybe I've got a better chance of spontaneously combusting, and then that I don't really care -- I'll find somebody else, somebody better, and then I'll see her and she'll ruffle my hair or squeeze my shoulder, or maybe I'll just make [and get to see] her smile, and the cycle begins all fucking over again. My productivity is suffering, as is my health, self-esteem, and my once long-held belief that I'll eventually find and be happy with somebody. I can't see it ending at any point in the near future.
Tonight my status as a friend privileged me to the following information: that she wants some other extremely attractive dude, and that it's "complicated" between them (he has a girlfriend?), and that their relationship is far deeper, more substantial, and more important than ours will ever be. I find myself hoping that he won't let it work (he, because she sure as hell wouldn't allow that to happen given the choice), and that she sees me as a single, trusted, inferior but viable alternative. And then I realize that this would hurt her and I hate myself. But I don't limit hating myself to the tail end of this particular train of thought -- oh no, I make a point of hating myself several times through the day, sometimes even in my dreams. One time I even hated myself 8 times before breakfast! I'm getting pretty good at it, is what I'm trying to say. On that note, bragging about something like that is just one more reason for tonight. God I suck.
I'm hungry but warming up the ramen just doesn't seem worth it. Maybe after trying to eat I'll go try my hand at a night of bad sleep.
posted by Anthony at 04:02
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home